Find The Magic
Grab a beverage of your choice… this is going to be a long one…
Find the magic…
I’d like to start writing, but before I even begin I’ve decided I need to know when I last wrote a beverage post. So of course I’m now lost in fb trying to find out. It’s 12:05am, let’s see how long this takes! It took 10 minutes in case anyone was wondering. Side note… it’s weird that when you read this, there won’t be a 10 minute gap between those sentences, they’ll just roll one into the other. That’s really weird. Anyway. I digress. Story of my life!
I found the last post. It was episode 8, posted on 5th July 2022. What an awfully long time ago that was. And my goodness what a lot has happened since then. Interestingly, I stated that one “I am beyond tired at the moment and it’s currently 12:48am, but I thin I need to write to help me settle.” I wonder if there is something to think about there. Maybe I should try to write more when I struggling to switch off and get to sleep. The biggest issue is screens and sleep are not friends. Although, as you will see from my splendid photo, I am currently sporting my amber glasses. They are amazing by the way. I was very sceptical to begin with. I was told by my psychiatrist to wear amber glasses every day 30-60 minutes before I sleep (haha!) when he prescribed my ADHD medication. The idea is your brain thinks its sunset and therefore sleep time. I really wasn’t sure because for most of my life my brain has associated sunset with awake time. I achieve more between the hours of 10pm and 2am than I do for the entirety of my day. However, I must say, the glasses are good. But. I will say this. Consistency. Annoying really. I want magic, but magic does not exist. Unless you’re in Harry Potter or Rivers of London. Which, despite the dementors and spirt of riot and rebellion, seem like much more manageable places. So if you’ve found the secret to the magic world, please let me know.
I have gone off on such a tangent, I am 373 (well now, 376… ooo this is annoying, every time I write the digits the number of words goes up… so do I say 397 which ends on the word ‘say’ or 406 which ends on the word ‘406’? That is a tricky one, although I don’t think it’s one that anyone can help me with at this ungodly hour of the night.) ermmmm, now I need to find my sentence… I have gone off on such a tangent that I haven’t actually managed to start telling you anything that I planned to.
One very serious thing that I wanted to share was that I walked to Little Tesco (okay, why do we do that… I don’t call Sainsbusy’s petrol station little Sainsbury’s… why is it only Tesco… and why do we all do it?!?!) at 11:45ish to get food. Because I was starving. And there was no no-cooking-required food for me to have. Although I did realise when I got back that I have cheese and crackers, so I could have just had that. Oooo goodness me, this could not be any less succinct if I tried. I’ve very sorry, and feel free to abandon at this point…
So there I am, wondering around Little Tesco, contemplating life (which I really wish was an over-exaggeration, but it’s not) and I don’t know why I’m there. Like I was starving. Belly hurting starving. But I’ve now forgotten that. So I leave with chocolate and fizzy flavoured water. I was back at my front door before I realised that I did actually want food. Anyway, I’ve had to suffice with chocolate and Weetabix (see photo 2!). Do not knock it until you’ve tried it. Just saying!
That is one thing I needed to share. But the big thing. And the reason I decided a new episode of living inside Sarah’s head was necessary right now, is because I am so unbelievably dysregulated at the moment, it is almost unbearable. Now one of the things that is more important to me than anything else in this world is talking. We all know I talk for England, and I am proud to say I gained that quality 100% from Granma. But that’s not what I mean. What I mean is there is such a massive need to normalise what we think, feel, experience. I hate the word normalise, so I don’t really know why I used it, but too late. I realise I could go back and delete it and choose a different word, but that would very much ruin the flow, so I won’t.
I believe, wholeheartedly, that there are far, far too many people in this world who have felt isolated and alone and like they’re the only one. I don’t necessarily mean on a regular basis. But I would guess that most people have had that “I must be the only one” thought. Yet, if a family member or friend or college said that to you, you’d say… of course you’re not, that’s really common, lots of people think / feel that way. The issue with this is we wait for someone to feel alone before comforting them with the knowledge that they’re not alone. But. Now hear me out. This could be a little revolutionary. What if we said out loud how we were feeling, what we were thinking, what weird and wonderful emotions were running around inside our heads. Surely, there would be less need to tell people they aren’t the only one, because they’d know, because lots of people had said it out loud.
Now, I am not saying this is a quick fix. But what I am saying is this. I believe it. I stand by it. I always have. Working in schools was a prime example of comforting and reassuring young people that they’re not the only one feeling overwhelmed and it’s “completely normal” to feel like they are. But why on earth should they believe us? I have been signed off work twice in my life, both for “personal reasons”. Which is really a roundabout way of saying my mental health is not my friend right now and I need to give it some love. The second time was the beginning of a January and so I didn’t come back after the Christmas break. When I came back I knew that I’d practiced what I preached. Because the students asked me about my mental health. They’d taken an educated guess as to why I was off and were concerned for me. I will never forget a conversation I had with a Year 11 student when I was first back and we talked about what mental health really looks like on a day-to-day basis and I told her a story. While I was off I had two goals… to eat and to wash. And I can assure you they were by no means daily goals. Just general, vague ideas of what I should probably be doing. I told the student this and then I also told her about what I’d done to help me conquer those goals…
It was this… put fish fingers in the oven… start running a bath… sit on either the bathroom of kitchen floor… finish running the bath… recover fish fingers from oven and put them on a plate… eat fish fingers in the bath. Now, is sitting in the bath with some shower gel thrown in for good measure as good as actually having a proper shower? Absolutely not. Do fish fingers hold a huge amount of nutritional value? Absolutely not. But is sitting in clean water, better than staying in bed? Yes. Yes it is. And are fish fingers better than no food? Yes. Yes they are. And that’s the point. It’s not about what you achieve, but rather the progress you have made.
It’s a conversation I don’t think I’ll ever forget, because I knew in that moment, I’d found a way to allow young people to believe me when I say “it’s okay to not be okay”. And they knew that. My students knew that. And you know what? They still know that now. They know they can talk to me and I will be honest.
But it’s not really about the young people I work with. It’s just about people. And their need to “be okay”. How many times have you been to someone’s house, or they’ve been at yours and the words “sorry about the mess, it’s been a hectic week” have been muttered? But why are we apologising? Some days it’s clean and tidy and other days it’s not. THAT IS OKAY. I like to utter the words “I should probably apologise for the mess, but it always looks like this”. This either puts people at ease, or they think, I won’t be coming back here. But that’s also okay.
I will not apologise. I will not apologise for who I am. For how I think. For how I view the world. I will not apologise for crying. I will not apologise for still being in my pyjamas mid-afternoon. I will not apologise for doing my best.
I taught hoop this evening. I was in an absolute state when I left the house. I was sobbing my heart out. I sobbed all the way to Bishop. But because I am so honest, and I am me, all of the time, in every situation, I just turned up. At no point did I think I should cancel the class because I’m crying. But you know what that does? That creates an environment where EVERYONE can cry or laugh or be angry or happy or sad or whatever they need to do. There is a huge amount of safety around honesty.
Now. It’s 1:04am and I am going to Birmingham tomorrow for a Popsy convention. I actually have no idea if it’s called a convention, but that is absolutely what I’ve been calling it. To be honest, I’m not even sure I could define convention. But it’s too late now, the name has stuck. You know what I think is really interesting? I didn’t really drift off in all sorts of directions in my previous little bit. Isn’t it interesting how I’m able to focus completely when I get really passionate about it? I’m not sure I’ve really noticed that before. Interesting. Although, that doesn’t mean I’m not passionate about the convention, it’s just different y’know. I’ve said convention too many times now, it’s starting to sound weird. I thought that only happened when you said words too many times out loud… turns out it happens when you say words too many times in your head too… who knew?! Well now we all do!
Right. Where was I?
Popsy. Tomorrow. I’m bloody terrified. That’s what I was going to say. People. Lots and lots of people. And rooms I don’t know. And food I don’t know. And just a whole bunch of uncertainties. But I’m going. You know why? Because I have to practice what I preach. And (see photo 3!) I need to be where the magic happens. So I’m going to go. And I’m not going to conquer my fears, that’s just not how they work. I’m going to be terrified. And I’m going to hold onto Kailam for dear life. And there’s a high change Kailam is going to lovingly stand outside the toilets so I don’t freak out and get lost when I come out. And I’m going to incessantly tap my fingers and zone out the conversation because I’m trying to get the rhythm right. And I’m going to take my shoes off because claustrophobic feet is the most horrific thing. And I’m going to sit on my feet, and then on my legs, and then cross-legged, and then stand and then readjust and then go back to sitting on my feet. And I’m going to wonder around with a jacket like I’m about to conquer Antarctica because I might get cold. And I’m going to have my fan with me because I might get hot. And I’m going to take seven bottles of Devon water with me (see photo 4!) in case the water is weird and I can’t drink it. And once I’ve done all that. I’m going to be proud of finding the magic. HOLD THE PHONE. I’ve done an accidently loop round back to magic. That was an absolute accident. But a pretty great one. Look at me go!
Anyway. The point is. Wait a minute… there actually is a really good point here…
Be Weird. Be Wonderful. Be You.
Over and out… it is now 1:17… I’m going to post and hope that my amber glasses have done their trick and I am going to drop off into dreamland.
Goodnight you wonderful, wonderful humans.
