I Found The Magic

Grab a beverage, or maybe several, we all know this is going to be a long one…

Episode 9: I found the magic…

Let’s start at the beginning… a very good place to start!  It’s Saturday morning.  I am a whirlwind of excited and terrified and am completely and utterly unsure which emotion is winning.  I’m aiming for 9:00, to leave at 9:30.  Does anyone else do that?  Have different times in their head to reality?  If I say I’m leaving at 9:30, then I’m absolutely not leaving at 9:30, but if I say 9:00 then there is some sort of minute chance I might actually get out the door by 9:30.

This did not happen.

I did get out the door at just gone 10.  Not ideal.  Plus I need to pick up my meds.  But that’s okay, we’ll be fine, I can’t change the time now, just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens.  This is not the case.  The pharmacy is closed for unexpected reasons.  I can’t get my migraine meds.  So of course I’ve decided that means I’m definitely going to have a migraine, because apparently my brain only works in worst case scenarios.

Hold on.  Who put a c in scenario?!?!  I spelt that so incorrectly three times, word could not pick it up.  Google to the rescue.  Although, as I type I am realising that the word potentially comes from the same place and scene.  And that’s got a c in it.  I wonder if it does, or if I am literally talking garbage.  Anyway.  Google has spelt the word for me.  Back to the scenario at hand.

A little cry and mum to the rescue.  Buy some migraleve, because at least then I’ve got something, even if it’s not what I should have.  Now the big problem here is that it is now 10:20 and I was supposed to leave about an hour ago.

Insert Popsy miracle number 1.

Back into the car, climbing over the passenger side because I’ve parked right next to the wall.

Oooo, here’s a little fun side story for you… it’s winter, and icy and generally freezing.  The door locks on my old car did not cope with freezing, but the boot lock was okay.  It’s whatever unnecessary time it is in the morning and I’m trying to get to work.  I can’t get in because the locks have frozen.  So I open the boot and climb in that way.  Although this does seem a little ridiculous, I’ve done it so many times, I didn’t really think about it.  Fast forward to my Year 10 lesson.  We’re chatting about whatever nonsense we’re chatting about and I tell them about climbing through the boot this morning.  At which point, a very shy student who doesn’t say much looks up… “I actually saw you doing that this morning Miss, my house is opposite where you parked”.  Definitely not what I was expecting.  But on the plus side, it cemented the notion to the class that their Maths teacher is actually completely bonkers.

Back to where we were.  I climb in and am getting increasingly stressed about not only being late, but being even later because I need to stop and buy some migraleve.  This is where the first Popsy miracle comes in.  I put a little message in the event chat… any chance someone could pick me up some on the way.  And they did.  The absolute and utter relief is beyond words.

We’re about to set off and I say “let’s take a photo and I can pretend I’m not stressed right now”.  Turns out it was quite a nice photo!!  Five minutes down the road and I am STARVING.  Because of course, I didn’t have breakfast, I was too busy being late.  We stop at Exeter.  Which is all of 15 miles from my house.  Food is bought and we’re off.

The car journey really wasn’t that interesting, so I won’t bore you.  We’ll do a little wibbly wobbly timey wimey and find ourselves turning into Drayton Manor.  It is HEAVING.  Which of course it is because there are 250 Popsy’s there accompanied by their humans.  Find a space.  Park.  I’m fine.  I’ve got this.  It’s all okay.  Don’t stress.  It’s just Cherish and some of her followers.  Nothing to be worried about.

Can we find which building / door / entrance we are supposed to be going through???  Can we heck?!  And it’s a little bit like that weird advert where you start with one person walking along and by the end of the advert there’s a whole bunch of people following.  A little collection of lost Popsy’s!

Eventually we find the entrance and I have a wee.  That bit is actually important, because without the wee we would have walked in just a tiny bit earlier and not been faced with what we were.

I can hear chatting coming from the room and as we walk through the doors everyone sits down and goes quiet.  It is obvious now that 99% of the people in that room were busy fangirling Cherish and not looking at me.  But oh my goodness did it feel like all eyes on me.

Kailam nearly lost circulation to his hand and I can feel a rather big panic coming along.  The room goes fuzzy.  The people go fuzzy.  I need to sit.  I can’t figure out how breathing works.  I don’t know if my legs are still moving.  It’s loud.  And not just audio loud, sensory loud.  Which is a really difficult thing to explain.  You know if you’ve been wearing sunglasses and then you take them off everything is suddenly super bright.  It’s kind of like that.  Noises are nosier.  Vision is brighter.  Touch is more intense.  Everything is just really, really loud.

I make it to the chair.  I am boiling.  I am thirsty.  I am overwhelmed.  And I am about to burst into tears and forget how to breathe completely.

Insert Popsy miracle number 2.

As I sit down I am met with an overwhelming sense of kindness.  There is an enormous difference between helping someone in the moment and radiating kindness.  It’s impossible to explain.  But there I was, taking in every ounce of kindness that was being thrown my way.

I can do this.  I can actually do this.  I was always going to stay, because walking back through people was just going to make things worse.  But what I was expecting is to be zoned out.  Spaced out in a place far, far away.  Using my energy to focus on a single touch, a single sound, and single sight.  But suddenly… I can do this.  I can actually do this.  I can be calm and I can be there the moment.  And oh my goodness was it worth it!!!

The talk from Michelle Elman had a sneaky tear rolling down my face on more than one occasion.  Her books include “Am I Ugly?”, “The Joy of Being Selfish” and “How to Say No”.  I was completely transfixed.  What an absolute inspiration.  So much so that when Cherish started the Q&A a question popped into my head.  Not one I was going to ask of course.  Because there’s 248 strangers in the room.

But I did.

Now for people who know me really well, I am loud, confident, assertive.  Which I am.  But only when I’m in a situation where I feel at least 95% me.  A room of 248 strangers is not somewhere I am loud, confident and assertive.

But I put my hand up.  And Cherish came to me.  And I asked a question.  And she answered it.  Just like that.  My heart was absolutely pounding and continued to do so for a while.

Now because Popsy is a place to be you, I decided I could try talking to people without even thinking about looking at them.  If I can’t have a conversation without eye contact at a Popsy event, then where can I?!

Each and every moment that passes I was more and more baffled by what was happening.  I was there.  Talking to strangers.  And not once did I feel like I was hogging the conversation by overtaking.  Not once did I feel like I’d said the wrong thing.  Not once did I get that feeling that it’s irritating when I repeat the same sentence multiple times.  I spoke when I could speak and I listened when I could listen.  I just did it.

Those at Cherish table.  Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  You could have been polite and made small talk.  But it wasn’t polite small talk.  It was actual conversation.  Conversation I was a genuine part of.  I cannot put into words what that means to me.  Navigating conversation is so unbelievable complicated.  Particularly as there is an unwritten rulebook which I’ve not got access to.

The moment I think I really realised that this was actually real was walking back to the hotel room to get changed.  I walked back with someone from the table and at no point did my brain ask if I was doing okay.  I took longer to get changed, because of course I did, everything takes me a million times longer than everyone else.  But when I came out my room I didn’t feel like I’d kept people waiting.  They were just waiting.  Just like that.

All this gave me a sudden sense of determination.  I was now in the same dress as multiple people.  A photo is needed of all of us.  I should ask people.  I should gather them together.  But I can’t.  What if they say no?  What if they want to say no, but can’t?  What if the way I ask if too aggressive?  What if… what if… what if…

But I did.

I stood up.  And I did it.  I scanned the room and played collect the sparkles.  And I was absolutely beaming.

The space that Cherish and her phenomenal team have created online is nothing short of magic.

Is it so far beyond any sort of explanation what happened that day.  I queued to have my photo taken with Cherish and thanked her for commenting on my post about not knowing what to pack.  I told her my therapist told me to keep the post because it’s things like that, that keep the world spinning.

I hope I can stay keep in touch with some of the wonderful people I got to share my day with.

Lastly, actually second to last, because the last is always the last.  Thank you Kailam, for coming with when I said I wanted to go, but not on my own.  Thank you for coming to an event that I could not explain, other than “you know those dresses I like… everyone will be wearing one”.

Now lastly.

Be Weird.  Be Wonderful.  Be You.