Conversations Between Me And Me

Grab a beverage of your choice… it’s time for episode 11 of living inside Sarah’s head.

Good morning! Time for week seven of being fabulous! (Also known as the seven week Women In Business course).

Anxiety: I don’t know who put twenty pence in you this morning, but you are not welcome. I am dreading the workshop, and I don’t need a reason.

That’s okay! I’ll will wear something fabulous, that always helps take the edge off. Don’t worry, I’ve got this.

Autism: I don’t know why you think you’re suddenly in charge of clothing? You know that’s my job. Looking fabulous is irrelevant, it feels weird. Nope. Not that… Nope. Not that either. Argh. Nothing. Feels. Right.

No worries! I’ve got this. Let’s pause from finding clothes and do hair.

Autism: I know what you’re trying to do. It won’t work. That ‘go-do’ hair style is going to feel weird today. EVERYTHING FEELS WEIRD.

Anxiety: I don’t mean to rush you, but I really do need to leave or I’m going to be very late.

ADHD: At least it’s not my fault this time!

…

Finally, I’m out the door and in the car. Perfect. Don’t know what all the fuss was about.

Autism: Just throwing it out there, but I’m not going to be happy if my parking space isn’t free.

You know it’s not ‘your’ space… it’s a public car park.

Anxiety: Now is not the time to start challenging that. I can’t cope with choosing another space.

ADHD: Don’t worry… there’s loads of time.

…

Autism: Panic over. My space is there.

ADHD: Best put four hours in the car… I cannot be trusted.

Anxiety: That’s a waste of money… But it will be worse if I get a ticket.

Autism: I don’t even know why this is up for discussion, I always put four hours in the car. I’m not changing that.

Hunger: Hi! Thought I’d join the party. I’m starving.

I’ve got this. I went into a café last week. I can go to the same place.

Anxiety: Ohhh… there’s people. They recognise me. They’re talking to me.

Autism: I still haven’t been given the rule book for talking to people out of context.

ADHD: I’m on it. Say alllll the things.

Autism: But when is it my turn to speak?

ADHD: Irrelevant. I have a million things to say. GO!

Anxiety: I don’t think this is a good idea… you’ve interrupted too many times now.

Autism: I don’t understand the situation. No works are leaving my mouth, unless I’m asked a specific question.

Hunger: I’m still here guys…

Yes! I know! There is toast on the way. Chill out!

…

Anxiety: Let’s walk with these people. Walking in on my own is not an option.

I’ve got this. Same building. Same room. Same people.

Autism: STOP. The chairs are different. Why are the chairs different? Where is my seat? How do I get to my corner? Everything is different. Absolutely nothing is the same. What is going on? The room is spinning. I can’t do this.

I can just stand here. Eat my toast. It will be okay.

Anxiety: I think people are talking to me. But it’s so loud in here. Why does it get so loud in my head? Why can’t I make the noise stop? I can’t do this.

Just tell someone I can’t get to my corner.

…

I’m sat down. Last seat on the back row.

Autism: No. This is not okay. The chair needs to be perpendicular to the wall. The chair is always perpendicular to the wall. I can’t sit the same if the chair is not perpendicular to the wall.

Move the chair. I just need to twist the chair.

Anxiety: It won’t move. It’s stuck. The other chairs are in the way. The only way to do this is to move all the chairs. I can’t move all the chairs. I’m hot. It’s too hot. I’ve dropped my water bottle. I need water.

Just sit down.

Autism: Sitting down is not helping. It’s wrong. It’s all wrong. Everything is wrong.

Tap my fingers. Focus on the tapping. Close my eyes.

Autism. I like the rhythm. 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1…

My hand hurts.

Autism. I need to keep the rhythm. 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1…

Anxiety: Nope. I can’t. I can’t breathe. Everything is spinning. I feel dizzy. Tears are flowing. It’s so loud. I feel sick.

Autism: 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1…

Someone has come to help. Focus on their touch. Focus on their voice. Block out everything else.

Autism: 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1, 1…

There is rhythm to their touch. Find that rhythm. Make it louder than mine.

Anxiety: I actually think it might be working.

There we go. I’ve got this. I can do this. Stay focused.

Autism: 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3… I might be okay without this.

I am okay. Everything is slowing down. Keep breathing. I can open my eyes when I’m ready.

…

Focus on this person’s eyes. They’re very blue.

Autism: I don’t want to look at her eyes.

I need to. It’s a focus point to help blur out everything else.

…

Okay. I’m calm now. I am okay.

ADHD: I thought it would be helpful to stay quiet while the panic attack was happening. But I have been sitting in the same position for far too long now. I need to wriggle.

Have some water. Readjust how I’m sitting. Zone into the session. I’m okay.