I’m Not My Anxiety

Grab a beverage, it’s time for Episode 7: I’m not my anxiety.

Those of you who have been following the ramblings of a mad-man will know that dancing is my thing. That’s such an unimpactful way of saying that – but I am going to try not to digress too much on account it is currently 1:09am and I am working 9am to 9pm tomorrow! But if you want to know why I mean by ‘my thing’, have a look at Episode 5 and it will explain all.

Now back to today. Dancing is my thing. But do you think all the little mini-Sarah’s, who think they have control of my life, know that?! Absolutely not! Apparently, we need to get anxious and overwhelmed at dancing just as much as we do in less-exciting situations. Just like to point out how unfair that is. Why can’t all the mini-me’s bugger off when I want to go dancing.

I should note, that when I’m actually dancing they do. When I’m on the dance floor there is literally nothing else happening other than the movement and the music.

But a four-hour freestyle does not mean four hours of non-stop dancing (also, absolutely no way I have the stamina for that these days!). So in between the dances the mini-me’s come out to play and boy are they annoying.

I knew today was going to be tricky – I’ve not been to a social run by this group before, so a million and one unknowns happening. Although it was at the same venue as one of the classes, so you would have thought that would help…

I park. Sit in my car. Think. Can I go in? How do I go in? Where is the ‘front-desk’ going to be? I’ve already paid. What did I do with that? Is it in an email somewhere? But I need to go in because if I don’t go in I can’t dance. So out we get Sarah. No thank you, I think we’ll sit here a bit longer. The longer you sit here the less dancing time there is. But where are we going to sit when we get in? What if there’s no seats? What if we have a panic attack? Like an external one? Let’s just chill in the car for a bit. GET OUT THE CAR SARAH.

So I got out the car. At which point I heard a car beep. Oh my goodness I’ve never been so grateful to see someone I recognise! Making the whole last internal debate a little pointless – but never mind, it’s happened now.

So owner of the car beep and I walk in together. Perfect. I do the awkward try not to walk through the door first without making it awkward that I don’t want to walk through the door first. Still not sure if that’s something people can see on the outside. But I did my awkward avoid the door and we’re in. This is okay. We can sit down together. I haven’t got to decide where to sit. It’s al working out. This is the start of a good night.

And it was. We danced and with each second on the dance floor I can feel myself slipping away (in a good way).

But then it got busier. And busier. And busier. And each time the door opened there was more people I didn’t know. In amongst these were people I do know/recognise from classes. But do you think my ridiculous mind registered ANY of these people?! Nooooo, don’t be silly. Of course it didn’t. We just clocked each and every stranger that walked through the door.

Now for those of you that don’t know – at freestyles like this everyone dances with everyone. You ask. You get asked. It’s all good. Except if you’re in my head. In which case the idea of walking up to someone to ask them to dance is literally the worst possible thing ever. Not that anyone would say no. But what if they don’t want to dance with me but feel obliged to? What if I get up to ask someone and someone else gets there first? Then what do I do? I’m up. How do I now sit back down? Asking someone to dance has way too unknowns for my liking. We just won’t. But of course, then you come across as the anti-social who doesn’t ask. And the less you dance, the less people ask. So there I am in this circle of not asking and therefore not being asked. Round and round and round.

So I sit there. And as I sit I watch the dancefloor. At which point I realise how amazing everyone else is at dancing. Like really amazing. And I’m not. I can dance. But not like these people. So really, why would anyone want to dance with me. Not really going to enhance their evening when there are so many other people to dance with who are far, far better than me.

So I sit. And I sit some more. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m aware if I leave, then going to the class on Tuesday is going to be very touch and go because it’s in the same building. Don’t ask for the logic… there isn’t always logic. I just know leaving makes it very difficult to come back.

It’s too much. I can’t do this. So I go and sit in the foyer. Three guesses as to what happens now…

I burst into tears. Did you guess right? If you’re up to date with the madness of my life, then you’ll know that was really the only thing that was going to happen at that moment.

Well now what do I do? I literally have no idea what to do. I don’t want to leave. And even if I did I can’t because my bag, phone and keys are all in the hall. So I sit and cry.

I think someone said something to me as they left… now I’ve said that, I realise what they probably said was bye. But I did not really register at the time.

Side note – although relevant, bear with me. I believe that on the whole the world is a kind place full of kind people. I’m one of those people who believe the best in others and don’t err on the side of caution. And every now and again the universe proves me right. A magic person will appear. Well tonight’s magic person was Steph.

She found me. Sitting in the foyer. Crying. And she sat. And she talked. And she made me do the senses. What can I see? What I can I hear? Etc… and I know it works. But do you think in the moment I have ever either remembered to do it myself, or made it work for myself. For some reason, the senses only works if someone else is asking the questions!

So I’m calmer. Ish. Sort of. And we have an action plan. I’m going to clean up the mascara that is running down my face. And then we’re going to go in and dance together. And then I am going to find Steve. And dance with Steve. Right. I can do this. I have to do this.

So we go in. I dance with Steph. And then she hands me over to Steve. And while I’m dancing with Steve I did something cleaver. I know… shocker, right?! I looked for someone to dance with next. Now this lady has told me her name more than once and I’ve no idea what is it. And actually now I am doubting if Steve’s name is actually Steve. Anyway. I’m going to dance with her next. The song finishes and I get tunnel vision and make an absolute beeline for her. Etiquette is to walk round the side of the dancefloor. I did not. Straight through the middle. I can’t risk someone getting there first. So I go. And she asked if I’m okay. You know, like a normal ‘hi, you alright?’. And I know the socially acceptable answer to that is ‘fine thanks, you?’. I do know that. But do you think I have answer answered the socially acceptable way to that question? Nope! So I said I might burst into tears at any moment and I can feel my eyes welling up again.

But we dance. And there is nothing in my head when I dance.

The song finishes and I sit down. Right Sarah. We can’t go backwards. You’ve done three dances in a row. Don’t sit here and not dance again. That’s what got you into this state in the first place. Pick someone. That’s all you’ve got to do. Pick someone now while this song is on. So when it finishes you know who you’re going to ask. STOP – we’re not doing negativity right now, I don’t want to hear your voice. Right. Steph is dancing with someone. That must mean they’re safe. If I head over to that corner of the dancefloor before the end of this song then there is a less of a chance of someone getting there first. Right. Plan. We’ve got this. Oh and look, there is a fan in that corner, so you can just pretend you’re going to stand by the fan. We’ve got this. Go. Now. Before you talk yourself out of it.

So I did. And I’m not even sure the song had quite finished before I pounced on this poor man! But we danced. And I was okay. Because I’m always okay when I’m dancing.

Then they call last dance. And I find myself dancing the most beautiful blues and the world is okay.

So that’s my story for today. And a little extra fact for you… I followed a car on the way home. Weird I know. And by the way home… I mean about 30 seconds out of the venue. They turned right. Right is not the direction to my house. I don’t know why I followed them. They turned and I turned. So it took me twice as long to get home.

Anyway. I should sleep now – it’s 1:52 am.

Goodnight all. And congratulations for getting to the end of this!