My Emotions Or Yours?

Episode 6 of beraverage time with Sarah!

I'm entitling this episode: are these my emotions or yours?

I don't even know where to start with this one. Normally there has been an event or scenario which I talk you through the madness of, but there's not today.

Today is just a feeling. A feeling which I think is worthy of its own episode... although what do I know?!

Right now, I feel as though I don't know a lot. I feel lost and hopeless and of very little help to anyone or anything. But. What I'm trying to figure out is how many of these emotions are mine and how many are other peoples. Now that may seem like a very odd thing to say, but hear me out.

The topic of empathy and autism has been talked about the researched and discussed and debated over and over. Now, I am no expert, the complete opposite in fact. I am someone whose dyslexia crashes with their ADHD and is faced with an inability to read anything of any length.

Please note: the irony of that statement has not passed me by... the girl that writes posts so long several beverages are required to get through them... doesn't read long pieces of writing! And yes, I don't read these back, so who knows what I'm saying to you?!

I digress. And now can't remember the point I was making. So while talking about not reading, I'm now making myself read to figure out what an earth I was saying...

Oh yes, not being an expert in autism and empathy. Love that I said "oh yes" as if I'd just remembered. I haven't. I scrolled up. The "oh yes" doesn't really work.

Shhhhh Sarah, you're distracting yourself. You know when I was doing my teacher training, I was once told I am one of the biggest distractions in my own classroom. I've got so many memories of working in schools... little bit of teacher input, set the kids off... and then wonder round desperately asking if anyone needed any help because I wanted someone to talk to! Who does that?! Who gets their whole class settled and working on a task, to then keep talking at them because you don't like the silence?! Me!!! That is who!

See I don't know where I was again. I don't know if ADHD has a scale... I've got my initial consultation on 15th June to see if I can have an adult ASD & ADHD assessment. But, I'm pretty sure some days ADHD is RIGHT THERE at the forefront of everything, being like... think this... no think this... no do this... no do this... no back to the first thing... no not that first thing the other first thing... no actually actually first thing... no we've moved on now... time for something else... sorry who am I... what day is is... can I help you? And other days it's just chilling at the back of my head like... you just crack on with your day there Sarah.

Well right now it's definitely the former. I'm trying to say about autism and empathy.

This is a little quote from the world wide web. I am not suggesting this is scientifically correct, so please no official debate. What I'm saying is that it resonates with me. And as an autistic person, this is what it's like for me:

"However, while cognitive empathy can be lower in people with autism, affective empathy—which is based on instincts and involuntary responses to the emotions of others—can be strong and overwhelming. In fact, newer research suggests that some people with autism may actually feel other people's emotions more intensely."

I've always described it as running other people's emotions. It's not necessarily that I read their emotions in their body language or facial expressions or tone of voice. And to be honest, a lot of the time when I do read other people's emotions I completely miss the mark anyway. But what I do do is feel them.

It's very difficult to explain. But I know in myself if I've got more than my own emotions inside. And I'll tell you one thing... it's bloody exhausting! Sometimes I'm very good at distinguishing between my own and others. And other times I haven't got a clue.

Right now I am emotionally full. Like overflowing full. And I know it's not all mine. But I can't find which are mine and which aren't. Now, for me, distinguishing is vital to processing.

I can feel other people's emotions, but I can't process them. I can only process my own. So the whole the time I don't know whose they are, I can't process anything. Which puts me in rather a tricky situation.

Imagine lots and lots and lots of pieces of different coloured string tangled up together. And you need only the green pieces. The green pieces are green only ones you can make use of. They're the only pieces which can be turned into something else. A piece of art work, a hair tie, to wrap a parcel. No other colour of string can do these things.

Now imagine that you can't untangle the different pieces. You've no idea where to start. You can't find a single end. A single beginning. And the more you tug, the more tangled it gets.

Now not only are you stuck with the mass of tangled string, but you also don't have that piece of art work, hair tie or parcel wrap. So it's like a double whammy. You're stuck with chaos AND you don't have anything positive from the chaos.

So that's what it's like right now. I might not be able to read your face, or body language or tone. But I can take your emotion and tangle it all up with mine.

A blessing or a curse? I'm not sure. Maybe a bit of both. But right now. Exhausting.

I've come back and added this line in. The story below is irrelevant, so feel free to stop reading at this point!

One last, and completely unrelated (well not completely, there's always a link in my head, just not an obvious link to everyone else!), thing. I once taught a year 9 who wasn't known for his perfect behaviour. He was angry at the world, at himself, at life, at school, at teachers. There was just a lot going on. I believe he was misunderstood. Anyway. My classroom was his safe space. And I was once asked how I was able to get him to pay attention during my lessons. My answer... I untangle his headphones.

That's the link, by the way... in case you're wondering... the untangling of the headphones.

Students where allowed to listen to their headphones in specific circumstances in my lessons. I am not getting into a debate about music and classrooms, so please don't start one. Those were my terms in my classroom.

Well this student would want his music in the whole time, which was not going to work when I was delivering the lesson. But when he would come to my room in a state, outside of lessons, he would always ask me to untangle the wire of his headphones. An by ask, I mean, get the headphones out his pocked and fling them on the table. But we both knew what that meant, so it was okay. Inevitably something would make him angry, and he'd try to plug his music in as an escape and the wire would get tangled.

You know like when you're pocket only gets caught on the door handle when you're already in a bad mood?

Anyway. I started offering to untangle his headphones at the beginning of each lesson. So by the time it was music and work time, headphones were ready to go. But also, no headphones while I was talking, because I had them.

Anyway , that's my little side note story for you.