What Makes Your Heart Smile?

I can feel a long post coming on. I hope you've all grabbed your beverage!

Its currently the early hours of Wednesday 1st June

(Side note: its my birthday in two days, how exciting!!!)

I've danced Monday 23rd, Tuesday 24th, Saturday 28th, Monday 30th, Tuesday 31st. So I have danced 5 of the last 9 days. That's 55.56% for the other Mathematicians out there. If I had it my way I would have danced 100% of the days, but that was not an option!

We all know I'm pretty open and honest about my mental health. I strongly believe that if we want the next generation of people to be able to talk about their own mental health... then we have to lead by example. Through all my years working I schools, and even know as a private tutor... I am open and honest. There are good days. There are bad days. And that is absolutely okay. I want to create a safe space for young people to say whatever they need / want to say. And so I share my experiences and my own thoughts and feelings. It's a two way process of sharing and understanding. And not a, talk because I've told you to talk, environment.

I digress slightly. Although when do I not digress?! Thanks to the delights of suspected ADHD my super speedy brain hops on and off different thought processes even before I've had time to catch up with it. I'm like, oh, is that what we're talking about now? I had no idea?!

The point I was trying to make... before I rudely interrupted myself... was that I am open and honest and my mental health. It's out in the open for all to hear about. Rightly or wrongly... who knows... but it's how it is.

One thing that depression really likes to take away from me is the ability to hold onto a positive feeling. I can enjoy myself in the moment. And that enjoyment puts me in a feelgood mood. But I really, really struggle to maintain that feelgood mood after the event has ended.

People often think that someone can't suffer with depression because they are enjoying themselves. But depression comes in all shapes and sizes. And actually, for me, a lot of the time I can 'be' in the moment. I can enjoy and appreciate the company around me and the activity I am doing. But the company goes and the activity stops and it takes anywhere from 30 seconds to a couple of hours for that feelgood feeling to have left me. I have the memory of enjoying myself. And I don't doubt that I've enjoyed myself. But I can't feel it anymore. And that, is horrendous.

It definitely stops me putting myself in situations where I might get that feelgood feeling. Because if I don't feel it in the first place, then I can't miss it. And welcome to the cycle of mental health struggles.

Avoid feeling 'good' to protect yourself from missing feeling 'good'. It is safer to feel 'bad' all the time. I use the words good and bad with caution. It is far, far more complex than just good and bad, but the principles remain the same. It's a form of self-protection.

But. I've actually got something that keeps the feelgood going after the event has ended. And I'd forgotten I had this. I knew I loved dancing. I've always love dancing. It's always been in my blood. But I'd forgotten the ability dancing has to carry me through more than just the dance itself.

In the wise words of Billy Elliot: "I can't really explain it, I haven't got the words... it's like when you've been crying, and you're empty and you're full, but I don't know what it is, it's hard to tell".

The reason Elton John was able to write a whole song about not being able to explain the feeling of dance... is because you can't. You cannot explain to a non-dancer what dancing does. How it runs through you. And takes over. And finds the off switch to your thoughts. The off switch that only exists on the dance floor. You can't explain how moving to music transports you into a completely different world where you're not you. You're not you with a job and a to-do list and housework. You're just a body and soul on the dance floor. That's it.

When I first spoke to Anna from JiveHive I burst into tears. Because I'm trying to explain why I need to dance and I cannot find the words. And she just said I know. And in that moment I knew that she knew. And that. Is why we dance.

Now my thing is dancing. But. I do believe that everyone will have something which had a magic way of finding that off switch.

Not everyone struggels with their mental health like I do. Not everyone finds depression so overwhelming they haven't managed to eat or shower or get out of bed. But everyone has ups and downs, to some degree. And so therefore, everyone would benefit from an off switch they didn't know existed.

So my advice to you, is find that thing. Find your thing. Did you do something once and really enjoy it and then haven't found the time to do it again?

I promise you it's worth finding the time. I am smack bang in the middle of tutoring year 11s for their exams. We've done paper 1 and have got papers 2 and 3 coming up. Now is not the time to be squeezing something extra in. But it's worth it.

I have had less sleep, but I am more recharged.

Find your thing.

And once your found it. Squeeze it into every waking moment.

Goodnight my wonderful humans.

And in the wise words of... me (!!!)...

Be weird.

Be wonderful.

Be you.