Laugh Or Cry
Grab a beverage of your choice... this is going to be a long one, but potentially amusing.
So, I've joined a gym. The main reason is to use their showers. But second to that is I'm mighty irritated my current parkrun time is about 12 minutes longer than my pre-covid pb.
Chose a 24 hour gym because I work weird hours. Click yes to 'disability' (I hate that word) on ASD (autism) grounds. I know my anxiety isn't going to let me through the door without a specific person to ask questions to. However... these inductions are done at normal working times... when I can't be there because I'm working.
Anyway. Fast forward a couple of weeks. Induction is in for 9:30pm. Due to finish work at 8:30, but have a cancellation so actually finish at 7:30. Turns out to be rather a good thing as it took me an hour and a half to get ready. Welcome to life with ADHD. You know that young child who gets distracted every five minutes and drives you up the wall? Yea, that's me, just at 28!
This getting ready process comes with some stumbling blocks. I can't find either of my sports bras. Anywhere. Now at 32H it's a bit of a necessity. The looking for the bra welcomes a whole new load of distractions (every washing basket in my house is now tipped upside down and washing on the floor). No luck.
It must be at mums. Well one of them at least. So I pack everything else. Please note I do not have a suitable gym bag, nor do I have a lightweight towel. So I look like I've packed for a weekend away. I drive to mums. Perfect, not only have I found a sports bra, it's actually clean. So winning all round here. Stuff in it my pocket (please don't ask why I didn't put it on. I have no idea. Why do I do this to myself?!).
Drive to the gym. Find myself at the back. I can see the massive sign but can I find the entrance to the car park. Nope! Of course I can't. Found it eventually, although I discovered on the way out I'd actually gone in the exit only, whoops.
Out the car I get with everything but the kitchen sink. Press the buzzer. Important gym lady comes over. Anxiety is highhhhhh. But that's okay. We've got this.
Proceed to be shown round the whole gym while pretending my bag doesn't weigh the same as a baby elephant. Now bear in mind I have no intention of going anywhere other than the treadmill. A tour was not compatible with my current luggage situation.
Right. Changing rooms. Toilets. That's what I need to know. Important things like that. Oh and a padlock. So over we head to the padlock vending machine. Now, I don't know about you, but I feel all vending machines should have chocolate in them... this did not. It did however have padlocks. But it wasn't working. Sooooo no padlock for me.
Now I'm not fussed if someone nics my purse, but I am fussed if someone nics my bag and doesn't think to take my potentially lifesaving epipens out first. So not keen to leave my epipens around for the taking. I promise this is relevant. Nice gym lady says I can put it in the office. But she's going in 20 minutes.
No worries. I'll cross that bridge in 20 minutes. Bag in office. Time to get changed. Which I wasn't planning to do at the gym, but remember bra fiasco? Bra is still shoved in my coat pocket.
Take my stuff out and into the changing cubicle. Forget socks. Back out. Socks. Right we're all good.
Onto the treadmill I go. Now this bit was okay. 45 minute murder mystery ready to go.
Gym lady comes over. She's leaving. Something about my bag can stay in the office. Nice guy with black t-shirt and chain has keys.
Brain: ask who specifically, get the man pointed out to you
Anxiety: noooo, we don't ask questions!
Nice gym lady leaves.
60 minutes on the treadmill. Feeling chuffed. Go to the matt for a bit of stretching / looking for black t-shirt and chain. It turns out there are a lot of guys at the gym in black t-shirts and chains.
Brain: I told you so
Anxiety: shut up, do you always have to be right?!
Go to the lockers. Have no plan whatsoever. Can't get my locker open (this is the locker with no padlock with my enormous non-gym bag. Not the epi-pen handbag). So I just have a little sit down. Have no idea what I'm going to do.
Then. Out of nowhere. A guy walks out the office in a black t-shirt and chain. Heyyy look, it's the nice guy! Bag is collected.
Brain: you should have just knocked on the door
Anxiety: absolutely not!!
So I heave my luggage into a wet cubicle. Weird name. Essentially a wet room. The floor is wet. The area around the sink is wet. What do I do with my mountain of stuff. Afterthought.... probably didn't need it all in the room with me. Note for next time!
Shower. Now us particularly short people find showers with unmovable heads a nightmare. By the time the water has travelled a foot and a half, it's lost a lot of pressure. I'm sure there is a still a load of conditioner still in my hair.
At this point I'm feeling really chuffed. I'm all clean. Pyjamas on. Ready to go. But hold on.. what do I do with my wet towel? I'll just have to carry it.
Walk from the changing cubicle to the door. Put my personal pin in. "You do not have access to this gym". Oh bugger. My pin has not been activated. I can't get out. What do I do. There's an emergency intercom type thing. But I this really an emergency. Literally no idea what to do.
Anxiety: I'm in my absolute element here
Wait! The man in the black t-shirt with the chain! Dump my stuff at the door. Walk back through the gym, pj's and all. Knock knock. He's going to let me out. Perfect.
In my car. We've done it. Woohoo.
Ohhhhhh, that was not the exit I meant to take off that roundabout. Don't like doing the back road late at night, but I'm committed now.
Disney is blaring. Having a right little sing along. We don't talk about Bruno no no no.
Road closure. This is a single road into my village. Turn around. Wellllll I might as well get McDonald's as I'm now going to be passing it for the third time. Drive through. I am two minutes late. It is two minutes past midnight.
Drive home.
Get home.
Write this.
It's 1:30am. Goodnight all!